李白《听蜀僧睿弹琴》英译，请各位批

lengshan · 发表于 2009-4-5 10:31

李白：《听蜀僧睿弹琴》

蜀僧抱绿绮，
西下峨眉峰。
为我一挥手，
如听万壑松。
客心洗流水，
余响入霜钟。
不觉碧山暮，
秋云暗几重。

On Hearing A Buddhist Monk In Sichuan Playing A Zither

Holding a green zither, a Buddhist monk
Descended from the west peak of the Beauty’s Brow Mount.
Now before me, with expert fingers, a tune he’s playing
That sounds like valleys of pines in wind bellowing.
Reminded of the lofty music(1), my soul’s in harmony with this sound.
The dying music’s echoed by the toll of bells in frost around.
Time flees, at dusk is the emerald mountain.
My heart still quivers, despite of the autumn clouds that darken…

(1)Here，“lofty music” refers to “Lofty Mountains with Running Streams”, a piece of the traditional Chinese classical music.

keatslover · 发表于 2009-4-8 13:22

本帖最后由 keatslover 于 2009-4-8 13:41 编辑

兄台是英文法文都通啊。提点看法吧，不一定有益。这首诗描写音乐的魅力，和自然的优美，重点是最后两句，以曲折的方式表现了主题。从形式来看，原诗比较整齐，而译诗失去了这点，韵脚来看译诗后面是联句，无法再现xbxb的形式，诗的节奏而看也不是非常有规律。就此而言采取灵活点的诗体也是可以的。另外原诗有处类似于新批评所说的paradox的地方，如听万壑松，到底这种万壑松的声音到底是怎么样的？是否是bellowing 这样千军万马的气势？因为后面又是洗流水，流水英文里大概是babbling，值得推敲。后面的那个toll虽然古代可以表示鸣钟的意思，但是现代多数都是指人死了以后的丧钟，比如海明威的丧钟为谁而鸣，取之于邓恩的布道文，在加上前面用作比喻意义的dying,会造成一种语义的呼应，这是原诗中所没有的。用chiming的话是一般分寸。那个time flees，大概应该是time flies. 另外，感觉诗缺乏一种COMPACTNESS, 也就是济慈说的fill every rift with ore,比较松懈.

keatslover · 发表于 2009-4-8 13:40

本帖最后由 keatslover 于 2009-4-11 21:33 编辑

顺带说下英文中表现音乐魅力的诗也相当多，莎士比亚在暴风雨中讲一个施法的小岛，岛上随时飘荡着动人心魂的音乐，德莱顿有a song for st celilia's day.米尔顿在失乐园第二卷中讲撒旦出发诱惑人类之后，剩下的堕落天使
                  others, more mild ,
retreated in a silent valley ,sing
with notes angelical to many a harp
their own heroic deeds and hapless fall
by doom of battle, and complain that Fate
free virtue should enthrall to force or chance.
their song was partial ,but the harmony
(what could it less when spirits immortal sing?)
suspended Hell and took with ravishment
the throning audience...

而丁尼生的：

THE splendour falls on castle walls
      And snowy summits old in story:
      The long light shakes across the lakes,
      And the wild cataract leaps in glory.
Blow, bugle, blow, set the wild echoes flying,
Blow, bugle; answer, echoes, dying, dying, dying.

      O hark, O hear! how thin and clear,
      And thinner, clearer, farther going!
      O sweet and far from cliff and scar
      The horns of Elfland faintly blowing!
Blow, let us hear the purple glens replying:
Blow, bugle; answer, echoes, dying, dying, dying.

      O love, they die in yon rich sky,
      They faint on hill or field or river:
      Our echoes roll from soul to soul,
      And grow for ever and for ever.
Blow, bugle, blow, set the wild echoes flying,
And answer, echoes, answer, dying, dying, dying.
是所谓的Musical poetry.所有的辅音都相对比较柔和，再加上元音的重复，以及头韵如s,s,f,f,让人完全沉醉于号声的清脆，悠长以及传奇的世界之中。

lengshan · 发表于 2009-4-9 18:45

多谢Keatslover兄指点！
兄的意见多有采纳，下面是修改稿，请兄继续批。
顺便一说，兄是Keatslover,我是Bruckner lover.

李白：《听蜀僧睿弹琴》

蜀僧抱绿绮，
西下峨眉峰。
为我一挥手，
如听万壑松。
客心洗流水，
余响入霜钟。
不觉碧山暮，
秋云暗几重。

On Hearing A Buddhist Monk In Sichuan Playing A Zither

Holding a green zither, a Buddhist monk
Descended from the west peak of Beauty Brows Mount.
Now before me, with expert fingers, a tune he’s playing
That sounds like valleys of pines in wind bellowing.
The soul of the guest’s purified with the bubbling sound;
The ending music’s echoed by chiming of bells in frost around.
Time flies, at dusk is the emerald mountain.
Still brightened, I see the autumn clouds that darken…

(2009-4-8 修改)

keatslover · 发表于 2009-4-9 22:45

蜀僧抱绿绮，西下峨眉峰。
为我一挥手，如听万壑松。
客心洗流水，馀响入霜钟。
不觉碧山暮，秋云暗几重。

【注释】

蜀：今四川西部。
绿绮：琴名。晋傅玄《琴赋序》：“司马相如有绿绮。”相如是蜀人，弹者是蜀僧，故以绿绮切之。
峨嵋：山名，在今四川峨嵋县南。
一：加强语气的助词。
客心：尘俗之念。
流水：指琴曲的音乐效果。相传春秋时钟子期能听出伯牙琴中的曲意，时而是志在高山，时而是志在流水，伯牙乃许为知音。见《列子·汤问篇》。这句是说，客中的情怀，听了“高山流水”的曲意，为之一洗。
挥手：指弹琴。
壑：山谷。
霜钟：指钟声，《山海经》：丰山“有九种焉，是知霜鸣”。郭璞注：“霜降则钟鸣，故言知也。”
入霜钟：余音与钟声交流，兼喻入知音者之耳。
暮：暮色。
暗：笼罩。

mu · 发表于 2009-4-11 14:23

That sounds like valleys of pines in wind bellowing.

觉得 valleys of pines，echoing the wind 就可以。避免了 keatslover 所说的语意过分加强，也表现出松林的繁密以至于“万壑”。
还有 bells in frost ，看了上面的注释，这个就不大准确了。

lengshan · 发表于 2009-4-14 20:44

根据管理员和版主二兄的意见，又译了一版，请看。

李白：《听蜀僧睿弹琴》

蜀僧抱绿绮，
西下峨眉峰。
为我一挥手，
如听万壑松。
客心洗流水，
余响入霜钟。
不觉碧山暮，
秋云暗几重。

On Hearing A Buddhist Monk In Sichuan Playing A Zither

Holding a green zither, a Buddhist monk
Descended from the west peak of Beauty Brows Mount.
Now before me, with expert fingers, a tune he’s playing
That sounds like valleys of pines, in wind echoing.
The soul of the guest’s purified with the bubbling sound;
The ending music’s resounded by chiming of bells around.
Time flies, at dusk is the emerald mountain.
Still brightened, I see the autumn clouds that darken…

(2009-4-11 修改)

Atemis · 发表于 2009-8-12 08:57

也拿出个译文，供各位朋友参考：

On Hearing Jun the Buddhist Monk from Shu Play his Lute

The monk from Shu with his green silk lute-case,
Walking west down Omei Mountain,
Has brought me by one touch of the strings
The breath of pines in a thousand valleys.
I hear him in the cleansing brook,
I hear him in the icy bells;
And I feel no change though the mountain darken
And cloudy autumn heaps the sky.