很久前写的一英文诗.请指教.

多恩的跳蚤

Ain't you hurting my heart - -
                                       
My heart is blowing,blowing in the wind,
Just like the kite in the storm.
Seems that you never show me some mercy.
Seems that I have reached my life's end.
But,ain't you hurting my heart.

We used to be in sweetness.
Though there is always darkness.
We used to pray that we never gonna give up each other.
But,ain't you hurting my heart.

River is running,
Sun is shining,
My heart is falling,
And I,is dying.
Ain't you hurting my heart,
The words you ever said,
I can't, standing.

Ain't you hurting my heart,
Make me roaming.
Ain't you hurting my heart,
Set me thinking.
Thinking these sweet days,
Which are going.

kenshin

虽然看的不是很懂，但是感觉很不错哦
Thinking these sweet days,
Which are going.

多恩的跳蚤

呵呵谢谢　只是无病时候的小呻吟，那时候失恋呢．大概有很多错误．

kenshin

错误是常有的，但是感觉和心情确实珍贵和罕见的。

arete

不像诗，比较像流行情歌歌词
我觉得像"ain't","gonna"这种词不适合诗歌

mu

有几个小问题：

Thinking these sweet days,
Which are going.

最好改成：

Thinking of these sweet days,
Which had gone.


And I,is dying.

should be:

And I,am dying.

还有：
The words you ever said,

should be:The words you've ever said,

这个：
I can't, stand (that or it).

最后：
Make me roaming.

改为

Make me roam.

kenshin

管理员的加工哦
精彩啊
呵呵

多恩的跳蚤

呵呵 谢谢 接受.不过And I,is dying.这句中的is 是我故意误用的,把第一人称贬低为第三人称,表示自己的卑微.
再次谢谢各位呵呵.

mu

原帖由 多恩的跳蚤 于 2006-1-15 17:16 发表
呵呵 谢谢 接受.不过And I,is dying.这句中的is 是我故意误用的,把第一人称贬低为第三人称,表示自己的卑微.
再次谢谢各位呵呵.

aramis

我的英语水平很低很低
连四级都没有过
能够结识高手，不胜荣幸
交个朋友吧
在下aramis